This book is intended as a writer's guide for pupils who want to write their own parent education course. It is meant to complement the Mentoring Handbook but can also be used in a different context (e.g. in a school class).
This book alone is not meant to qualify an author to write or participate in the writing of a parent education course. Authors are expected to study at least one or two parent education courses before trying to do so.
Why should pupils write their own course?
"What our parents need to understand" can be a continual research project and every group of teenagers may find widely differing answers. Writing your own course allows to mix established knowledge and personal experience, possibly with a better result than standardized courses. This is not meant to discredit more established parent education courses, however: a group of pupils may be insufficiently qualified to achieve best results, so an established parent education course may even be a sensible supplement when you have finished your own course.
Writing a course on parent education is also likely to be a valuable experience for the authoring group, which is increased through the perception of contributing to an independent work.
Recent studies in Germany have analyzed reasons for unhappiness of children, which may have the potential to start a vicious circle. The studies have found that children of poor or less educated parents have a significant disadvantage. Contributing to parent education can have several beneficial effects for the participants and for their social environment.
What are the beneficial effects for the participants of an authoring group and their social environment? Is the lesser expertness and authority of the teenage authors possibly even beneficial when parents consider the propositions?
Writing a parent education course in school
A rationale why it seems a good choice for teachers to hold parent education courses and/or to write courses with their pupils is that teachers are pedagogues and already have a significant knowledge in this area, which seems likely to be beneficial for a course. The effects of better parent education are also likely to have an immediate influence on the work of the teachers: Pupils with a better socialization and upbringing are likely to make the work of their teachers easier and more rewarding.
For a group of mentors a logical audience would be the parents of their protégés. For other pupils the teacher or chief lector might have to assign an audience, for example the parents of a lower grade at the same school. The authors should probably be at least in grade nine.
Getting started
Preparing the authoring group
If you write your parent education course in a team (writing one alone is strongly discouraged) it makes sense to prepare the team by assigning literature to members of the team. What literature needs to be read and who should read it? Giving one parent education course to an author or a group of authors allows every author to be competent in relation to one pedagogical approach, which can promote discussions among the authors later on, when the authors present and criticize "their" pedagogical approach.
Personal experience
In a group of mentors personal experience and views could be gathered from mentors and their protégés, possibly with anonymization, if protégés were reluctant to reveal their experiences or views. Gathering experiences from protégés allows to address the actual problems of the primary, and possibly only, audience of a course.
Know your audience
The audience of a parent education course is more complicated than a usual audience. The primary audience is the parents but their children are also a part of the audience and require independent consideration. What do you need to know about the parents? The educational background of the parents in your group may be important. If there are migrants in your audience they may have problems with complicated language and you may need to use easier language, for instance. Migrants may also require cultural adjustment. If the audiences are primarily academics it may be tempting to assume they have no need for extensive explanations, which may be wrong. Having studied a specific subject doesn't necessarily make you a fast learner in an entirely different subject, even if it may help. You might also want to know the reading habits of your audience: Can they be expected to read longer texts or should your course aim for a high degree of interactivity between one or several lecturers and the audience?
What do you need to know about the children? The age group of your audience is quite important. Parent education programs often distinguish children from 2 to 6 years, from 6 to 12 years and teenagers. A likely audience for your parent education course is from 6 to 16 years old, which may be a reason to distinguish between children and teenagers.
What do you need to know about parents and children? Obviously you want to form an opinion about the problems they may have. It may also be a good idea to gather the good ideas and recommendations they may have to offer.
Is there anything wrong with excluding parents with children who are not yet in school? Following the categorical imperative one would have to imagine what would be the consequence if everybody would follow that example. People who got used to parent education starting at age six could develop a blind spot for early childhood education. Given that the problem exists, what follows?
Research methods
Interviews
Interviews can gather more information than questionnaires because you may be able to learn more things you didn't expect in advance. Interviews can also help to gather issues that should be addressed in questionnaires. An interesting group of educators for interviews are teachers because they have a broad knowledge in pedagogy and experience with many pupils and their parents. Interviews with teachers can also help to bring the view of teachers into a parent education course.
What is the school's official position on parent education?
- What is the school's official position on citizenship education?Are teachers interested to participate in parent education?
- What are the primary problems teachers see as problems of pupils in each age group that can be addressed in a parent education course?
- What are the primary issues teachers see as current problems of parent education?
- What can teachers anticipate as future problems of their pupils concerning soft skills and other skills that may not receive a grade?
Questionnaires
Questionnaires can be used to gather information from parents, pupils and teachers or other educators in order to prepare a parent education course. Questionnaires allow convenient anonymization to gather information from people who may be reluctant to disclose personal information otherwise.
Questionnaires are also a good way to get feedback and to promote involvement. Parents who have to fill in well-considered questionnaires may experience a similar beneficial effect as the authors of the parent education course themselves: Being brought to think about the issues and to phrase your own experiences and views has the potential to provoke further thoughts than just reading a text and can also promote involvement. The feedback from the questionnaires can be used to extend and enhance a parent education course for the following lessons. A course that makes extensive use of questionnaires is kess-erziehen.
In what ways do the research questionnaires differ from the questionnaires presented during a parent education course?
Experiments
A school class may be able to conduct psychological experiments in a course on psychology or pedagogy. A group of mentors trying to write a parent education course may profit from cooperation with a school here: Without a teacher conducting experiments may be too difficult for many younger teenagers.
Pupils who have neither pedagogy nor psychology but the subject religion may be able to make parent education a topic anyway: The cours
ut starting with very implausible propositions so as not to waste any valuable problems.
Educational goals
Citizenship education
An important part of citizenship education can be to offer children or teenagers problems to be solved under controlled conditions. Ideas for groups of pupils can be found under civic education in the Mentoring Handbook.
Parents who solve too many problems for their children can impede learning —kess-erziehen
Concepts of parent education
The concepts explained in this chapter are not meant as a substitute for reading a parent education course. The concepts are supposed to serve as an introduction to the topic of parent education and to raise the interest of the reader for the topic.
Behavior window
The behavior window is a concept of the Gordon Model which allows determining acceptance and problem ownership. If a behavior is acceptable for the observing parent but not for the child the problem is with the child and the method of resolution is active listening. Is the behavior in acceptable for the observing parent it can be a conflict in needs or a conflict in values. If it is a conflict in needs the parent can use I-messages to communicate his or her needs. In the case of a conflict in values the parent may have the problem of not being able to explain a legitimate interest. In this case powerless conflict resolution is the recommended method of resolution.
Way of life
"Way of life" is a term introduced by Alfred Adler; he declared that each individual has an individual way of life. An individual's way of life determines his or her outlook and priorities.
Basic needs
The course kess-erziehen identifies four basic social needs, which are:
- to belong and feel loved
- to be important
- to be able to influence
- to feel protected and secure
Mistaken goals
The term mistaken goals was used by Rudolf Dreikurs to refer to the four goals power, attention, revenge and avoidance of failure, which he identified as four common motivations for misbehavior of pre-adolescents. The goals are called mistaken goals because the child doesn't actually achieve exactly what it really wants, unless the parent understands the psychology of the situation.
The course kess-erziehen assigns needs to each of the four mistaken goals:
| Mistaken goal | Needs of the child |
| power | autonomy, co-determination, responsibility |
| Attention | belonging, notice, involvement |
| Revenge | fairness, equal treatment |
| avoidance of failure | encouragement, support |
Time, devotion and endearment
Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi phrased the needs of children, or rather the obligation of parents, as time, devotion and endearment. Time, devotion and endearment
Pyramid of influence
The pyramid of influence is a concept from Starke Eltern - Starke Kinder. The pyramid of influence clarifies that advice is a weaker influence on a child than the type of relationship and the type of relationship is a weaker influence on a child than the parental example as a role model for the child.
Natural and logical consequences
Natural consequence: Examples for natural consequences are parents who allow a child to miss the school bus or to touch a hot (but not too hot) oven. The child learns that his actions have consequences and may learn to appreciate that parents help to avoid negative consequences.
Children can learn from natural consequences when parents allow children to experience the real consequences of their actions under controlled conditions. Natural consequences are most effective without any kind of comment from parents, so that the child can work out the meaning of the experience by himself.
Logical consequence: An example for a logical consequence is if a child has to choose between two TV shows but is not allowed to watch both. The child has to make a decision and has to accept the consequence. The child may also learn a bit time management if the time slot for the other show is immediately filled with another activity as a consequence.
Logical consequences are consequences that follow from choices parents offer their children. The course kess-erziehen refers to the "four R criteria" for logical consequences:
- The consequences should be directly related to a choice offered.
- The consequences should allow children to take responsibility for their own actions.
- The consequences should be reasonable.
- The consequences should be presented respectfully.
Logical consequences should not be confused with punishment; a child should be able to understand the reasoning behind a logical consequence.
Patterns and anti-patterns
Patterns and anti-patterns are desirable and undesirable situations or behavior patterns a parent education course could help to promote or help to a avoid. More specifically the term anti-pattern is used to refer to a commonly reinvented bad solution to a problem but here it is used in a broader sense, also including undesirable situations that "just happen".
A way to find patterns and anti-patterns with a group of authors is concept mapping or mind mapping. The authors can draw concepts they recognize on a map and connect concepts they see as related. It may be useful to add to one or several concept maps over several days in order to allow sufficient time for reflection. In a following discussion phase the group can refine and thin out the concepts and relations found. Concept maps can start with some of the concepts found in parent education courses and can connect examples, patterns, anti-patterns and other concepts. Colors or symbols can be used to distinguish different types of concepts or types of relations between concepts.
Parent Effectiveness Training
The following patterns can be found in Parent Effectiveness Training.
Active listening
Active listening describes the ability to reflect back in your own words the opinions and emotions of group members. An important goal of active listening is to enable a group member or a child to understand his or her own problems and to deduce solutions independently.
I-messages
I-messages are non-blameful, non-judgmental descriptions of the addressee's behavior, especially where it collides with the speaker's interests. I-messages describe how the unacceptable behavior affects the speaker and how it makes him or her feel. I-messages confront the behaviour of the addressee but do not attack the person. An example of an I-message is:
"If you throw sand from your sandbox on my carpet I have to spend some time cleaning it and I don't like to do that."
No-lose conflict resolution
The No-lose conflict resolution (Win Win conflict resolution) is based on John Dewey's six steps to creative solutions for conflicts. The goal is to find a solution all involved parties can agree with and to invite all parties to the conflict resolution because children, and people in general, are more motivated to comply with decisions which they had a part in reaching.
Kess-erziehen
Alfred Alder’s individual psychology and the work of Rudolf Dreikurs are the scientific foundation of kess-erziehen. The abbreviation refers to cooperative, encouraging, social and situation-oriented. The goal of the course is to promote a cooperative, democratic educational style through common rules for family life and consensus that is reached in a family council.
The course promotes the ability of the participants to understand the social needs of children, the disregard of which can lead to undesirable behaviors. Adults and children are seen as equal and the mutual approval of needs is emphasized. Parents and educators learn to develop cooperation, conflict management and to set borders through logical consequences. Consistent, encouraging action is used to promote independence and to allow children to accept responsibility for their own actions.
The participants are guided to act situation-oriented, to offer choices to children and to notice positive behaviors, instead of reacting primarily to undesirable behaviors. Thereby self-esteem and responsible action in partnership are promoted.
Special moments
The text in its current form is incomplete.
"Edelsteinmomente" (jewel moments) mean the child is given special attention with a special quality of dedication at certain times. Special moments are meant to convey a special degree of esteem to children.
Special moments can take the form of frequently repeated rituals that convey affection. For younger children such rituals can, for instance, encompass well-known rituals like a round of cuddling in the morning, come-to-my-arms games on reunion or reading a story at bedtime.
IRIS strategy
IRIS strategy means "Interrupt. Respect. Ignore. Self-determined action" and is a strategy, or rather a set of strategies following a common scheme, to deal with disturbing, aggressive and other types of unwanted behaviors of children. The common scheme is for the parent to stop himself (Interrupt), to consider and respect the perspective of the child (Respect), to ignore the unwanted behavior in order not to reward the behavior (Ignore) and to react, possibly much later, with behavior the parent has considered and sees as appropriate to respond to a potential problem (Self-determined action). Special moments can, for instance, be a reaction to a child that may feel rejected.
Encouragement shower
For children who need encouragement the pattern "encouragement shower" is a way to increase self-esteem: In a circle of relatives or friends everybody tells the child what he likes about the child, what the child does to please the relative or friend or similar encouragements. The child thanks everybody individually and ends with his own assessment of his strengths.
Ten point strategy for conflict resolution
The course kess-erziehen offers a ten point strategy for conflict resolution.
- Phase I : Explain position and acknowledge feelings
- Make an appointment - this can be part of a family council.
- Find out about the feelings of the child.
- Show sympathy or, at least, understanding for the feelings of the child.
- Explain your own position - an opportunity to use I-messages.
- Phase II : Find solutions
- Invite the child to participate in the search for solutions.
- Write down the proposals on a piece of paper.
- Remove in acceptable proposals.
- Select the best proposal or find a compromise.
- Phase III : Implement the solution
- Negotiate a try-out time.
- Verify the success of the chosen solution.
A child may learn to accept parents questioning his behavior if parents who question the child's way of doing something are learned to be an introduction to something interesting. To accomplish that a parent can offer advice on an activity that is primarily in the sphere of interest of the child and is mostly irrelevant to the parent. If the parent offers useful advice to the child unostentatiously and in an activity the child perceives as important the parent becomes a natural mentor. A phrase like "Should this be done the way you are doing it?" or similar phrases can invite the child to reflect on his own behavior and the parent doesn't have to show an unwelcome interest in enforcing certain behaviors in situations were the child can deduce what it should be doing and may be willing to do so, if not pressured. The child can learn to appreciate the benevolent nature of the request. In a sufficiently understood situation a child may be able to deduce or offer logical consequences a parent might otherwise offer.
Positive role models
Parents who aim to be positive role models appreciate the fact that the role model a parent offers is a strong influence on a child (see: pyramid of influence).
Behind every kind of anger is a need that hasn't been fulfilled. Unfortunately most of us haven't learned to think in terms of needs. If our needs haven't been fulfilled we think automatically what mistakes others have made. That's why we criticize our children as lazy if they leave their coat on the sofa - only because we like to see it in the wardrobe. ... Over and over again I made the experience that the moment people start talking about what they need instead of what is wrong with the other the probability to find a way to the fulfillment of all needs raises dramatically —Marshall Rosenberg.
Pedagogical anti-patterns
This book is not a parent education course itself. If anti-patterns are presented without solutions that can be interpreted as an invitation to the authors of parent education courses to invent their own solutions.
You-message
The you-message is the opposite of an I-message. A you-message in a conflict puts blame on the other instead of asking for understanding for your own view in the conflict situation.
Lack of parental dedication
Wikinews reports that 13% of all children, 28% of the children of unemployed parents and 35% of the children of employed single parents in Germany complain about a lack of parental dedication. In families with two parents working full-time this applies to 17% of the children, in families with one parent working full-time and one parent working part-time or both parents working part-time it applies to 8% of the children and in families with only one of two parents employed it applies to 6% of the children.
Positive feedback
Why is positive feedback an anti-pattern? Giving children feedback they perceive as "positive" is seldom an anti-pattern but the term can also refer to a vicious circle, which is the sense that is meant here. The anti-pattern occurs whenever educators allow vicious circles to exist in social communication. Simple as that may sound detecting a vicious circle that reinforces a psychological effect may require psychological insight and imagination.
One example is if a teenager understands a remark as an encouragement to do the opposite of what is being asked and that behavior again provokes the same or a similar remark (closing the feedback loop). Negativism is, for instance, used by adolescents as a way to assert their autonomy from their parents. An adult might also decide to compliment a teenager on behavior not shown and leave it to the teenager to understand that the compliment was a complement and the teenager didn't actually behave as described; this can, however, lead to the very same problem, if the teenager understands this as encouragement to pretend to show a preferable behavior and derives a license to show the objectionable behavior. The intended educational effect (understanding the false compliment) may be inverted into undesirable positive feedback here.
Trying to apply reverse psychology intentionally to motivate a certain behavior may also be easily seen through, which can cause reactance against the intended behavior instead of the verbalized offer, which may again result in a positive feedback.
Positive feedback can be categorized as a failure to anticipate, to measure or to understand the results of one's own actions.
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